12/12/2023 0 Comments Still in love with ex after 10 years![]() It was not about him, it was about the wound in my heart, the parts of myself I had disowned as wrong, unacceptable, and undesirable.Īnd, no, I am not condoning what he did, what he said, or didn’t. When I doubted his capacity for love, I was believing that childhood lie – that I wasn’t lovable. I failed to recognize his purpose in my life. He’s pushed me to go on a quest to understand why we were a match for one another. He didn’t fail me and our relationship didn’t fail like I initially thought. He’s helped me ask some serious questions and get some life-changing answers. I began to own my part in the dysfunction… and that worked. I wanted to find out why I could head be over heels in love with someone one minute and despise them the next. There was an unsettling feeling in my soul that wouldn’t just go away. I tricked many of my friends with that “love isn’t enough” mask, but I couldn’t fool myself. I’d count the lessons I learned from our relationship – you know, like “you can’t change people,” “Find someone who respects you and your boundaries” and “break-ups make you aware of your strength,” and pretty much all the cliches! I vowed to never settle for some loser, like evah again I came to the conclusion that he was the incarnation of the devil on earth and that I shouldn’t cry for him because he ain’t worth my tears. So I started a demolition project on the altar I had so carefully and delicately built for him. I questioned why I allowed him to treat me that way? Was I so shallow that I couldn’t see past his enigmatic smile and his piercing blue eyes? Or was I so narcissistic that his occasional worship made up for his constant making me cry? I wondered why he treated me that way when he was my one chance at true love. I wasn’t ready to understand what really ignited the passion behind my intense infatuation, my unhealthy projection, and the proportion of my distortion. He was toxic, sinister, and despicable, because he was who I wanted, who I had waited for my entire life and he became a different person, withholding everything I longed for. I decided everything he ever told me was nothing but a pack of cheap lies and that he never did anything with a good intention. Instead, I questioned whether he actually really did love me. I wasn’t ready to lift the veil of my delusion… ![]() The addictive chemistry started to dissipate and I started to see him for what he was… are you ready for it? He was a … human!!!īut this revelation didn’t come to me then. Sure, they were looking out for me, but, hey, they didn’t know him like I did.Īnd then it happened. When my ex and I were together, he had my undivided attention, and when we were apart, I had this uncontrollable yearning for his enchanting presence, his magnetic touch, and his captivating voice.Īnd you know no one could say anything wrong about my beloved, back when he wasn’t my ex. Yes, I admit I was addicted to my fantasy. I dreamed about him when I was asleep and when I was awake. ![]() I called my ex “the man of my dreams” and he really was. I swear every joke he ever told was the funniest thing I’d heard. I was fixated on the illusion of falling in love with my ideal soulmate, the one who would make me whole. I would chuckle sarcastically thinking, how is it that I don’t drink, yet I actually wondered whether I was drunk the entire relationship! I would tell you how he manipulated me, abused me, and broke my heart in a billion and a half pieces. What I do know is that I still love my ex, and instead of focusing on how it ended or why, the “what ifs” of our relationships, and the conundrum of who’s to blame, I’m choosing to stop demonizing the one person I idolized the most.
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